Aching-for . . . I Mean, Body-for-Life

Julie heard about the Body-for-Life program from my sister and is extremely enthused about it, so we have both decided to join it. We are pretty much jumping into it full-force – six small meals a day, virtually no food not on the “approved” food list, and hitting the gym 6 days a week.

Now, to say I’m not a fan of physical labor, much less exercise, is an understatement. Some of my favorite sayings include “No pain, no pain,” “Of course I’m in shape – Round’s a shape, isn’t it?” and “Perfect health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.” I’ve always viewed exercise as something performed by masochists with too much free time.

This philosophy is evident in my life. I had to work long and hard for it, but I finally have a decent potbelly. I have virtually no muscular or cardiovascular endurance. Slugs come to me for walking lessons. I’m so out of shape I get chest pains if I reach for the remote control too quickly. It’s pretty bad.

Despite all this, tonight was my first of 84 nights of pure horror – working out at a gym. It was upper-body night. 51 dumbbell flies, 55 side raises, 62 wide-grip pulldowns, 60 dumbbell extensions, and 64 hammer curls. I won’t give specific numbers for the extremely low weights that I used, but let me just say that helium balloons are way heavier than they appear.

I got to meet some nice people, however. Lots of the other guys kept walking by and laughing, with me I’m sure. And some of the ladies asked me if I needed help getting those heavy weights over my head, all with big grins. I’m sure they were just turned on by my manly potbelly.

So here I am, back at home, thinking about the many tasks that I need to do but, ahem, weighing those tasks against my inability to raise my hands above my chest. I’m also thinking about the next couple of workouts. Tomorrow night I have a cardio workout. It’s only supposed to last about 20 minutes, which should just about give me time to get on and fall off the treadmill a couple of times. The following night is the lower body workout, when I will magically replace my legs with a couple of worn out rubber bands.

Further updates are forthcoming. Provided, of course, that I can get my hands up to the keyboard.