Thursday, September 23, 2004

The New Breath Analyzer

So, now our cell phones can store contact information, transmit text messages, exchange email, change ring tones, play games, play music, and take pictures. Oh, yes, and allow you to talk to someone else (but who would buy a cell phone for such a mundane task?).

What they can also do now is tell you when you have unpleasant breath. Siemens Mobile, a German telecommunications company, has developed the phone to make use of new technology that tests for certain substances. They have even come up with a rating scale to tell you exactly how your breath ranks (no pun intended) as follows:

0) Kiss me!
1) You’re so nice to hug.
2) Let’s just be friends.
3) I’m pleased to shake your hand.
4) Oh, would you look at the time!
5) Your mother is calling for you.
6) Yum, anchovy and limburger sandwiches!
7) You dropped your wallet back there. WAY back there.
8) Don’t look now, but a cat is trying to bury your mouth in the sand.
9) Why yes, I have been saved, but you smell like you’re rotting in hell.
10) Good morning, President Kerry.

This is really a good idea and would save most of us from what I refer to as Socially Cruel Mercy (otherwise known as “SCM”). This is the situation where someone is unknowingly committing a faux pas and no one else is willing to mention it for fear of embarrassing the poor schlub. This has occurred to me personally in situations involving bad breath, lunch souvenirs in my teeth, gremlins in my nose the size of Volkswagens, and open flies. Such a device will drastically reduce the number of victims to SCM.

But why stop at the breath? There are so many other inventions that could be made for which people would profusely thank God. A full time ministry could be made of saving people from embarrassing situations. Here’s a small sample:

Eye Snot Eyeglasses – These are prescription glasses that feature sensors, tiny nozzles and miniscule tanks of water. In the event that an eye booger should make its entrance in or around your eye, the sensors will detect it and the nozzles will spray the affected eye with water from the tanks. Since the natural reaction is to rub your eye, you have the perfect cover for removing the unwelcome ocular decoration.

Extended Eye Snot Eyeglasses – Functionally similar to the Eye Snot Eyeglasses but with one additional feature. Included in the extended bridge would be sensors aimed at the nostrils. Should protrusions be detected, a tiny needle will be jabbed into your nose, causing you to immediately rub your nose and dislodge the offending particle.

Animal Print Shirt – A normal shirt by all appearances, this device measures the amount of body odor emanating from your armpits and indicates the strength of the odor by changing the animal on the shirt. A well-groomed Pomeranian means you’re ready to cha-cha. A musk ox is a sign it’s time to stand in a carwash.

Singing Office Chair – This melodic device alerts you when your nether regions are producing offensive odors by playing music. “Baby Got Back” indicates all is well in the land down under. “Great Balls of Fire” is a strong (ahem) signal that the EPA will soon be investigating your underwear.

SCM could be a thing of the past. More people could interact with the rest of humanity without constantly checking themselves in the mirror. People would know when not to disturb their coworkers. Knowing which septic tank salesmen to avoid would be a cinch.

Just thinking about such noble goals inspires me to grab my toolbox and start inventing. And I’ll do that, just as soon as I find out where “You Be Illin’” is playing from.


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